The Paradox of Change and Acceptance

How can we change course while also accepting who we were or how we acted in the past?

One thing that comes up often in my work with clients is change. Part of the reason people hire me is because they want to do things differently from how they were doing them before.

That means carving new paths forward together - with new behavioral patterns as key components of those new paths.

And something that can come up as we discuss that future is frustration or disappointment at how they handled the past. “Why did I do that?” or “I wish I wasn’t like that before.”

And although it is tempting to see things in black and white - “if I can make this change things will be great”, and “the old me really messed things up,” of course it is never that simple. 

First of all, despite our illusions of control, much of what has transpired that brought us to today was not within our control to begin with. From the luck of our genetics, to where we grew up, to the family situation we were raised in, to that first job we ended up taking - so much of who we have become and how we are wired was decided for us. 

Secondly, getting to today was no small feat! It is easy to look back with the information we have today and pass judgment on our former self.  But in the moment, we were doing the best we could with the tools we had at our disposal. 

Thirdly, while it can be helpful to understand patterns of behavior we exhibited in the past as a way to learn for the future, ascribing value judgements to ourselves based on those patterns may not be so helpful. What we believe about ourselves has a way of coming true - and if we continue to believe negative things about ourselves, that is a recipe for that negativity to continue.

Often it is easier for me to feel compassion and acceptance for my clients’ past behaviors than it is for them. It is so easy to get down on oneself. And sometimes offering an outside perspective can jolt people out of an unhelpful negative perspective.

When it comes to working through change - I believe starting from a place of acceptance is key, so that people are ready to focus on the future through a positive lens without the baggage of the past. I believe that a positive lens is much more likely to result in the change they seek.

My goal when working with a client in this situation is to help them accept the past, and who they were then.  And then help them turn towards the future with a belief that they are capable of the change they seek.