Revisiting the Past. Useful? Or a Waste of Time?

I caught up with an old friend recently and after a while our conversation turned to our youth.

To things that we still wondered about. To unresolved questions about things we did way back then, and how that may have shaped who we are today.

And my friend made a really interesting point that I’ve been reflecting on. He said when something is unresolved in his mind, he continues to return to it over and over again.

Almost unconsciously he finds himself back on topics that he hasn’t been able to neatly close out.

And I realized I do that too. I return to things that don’t feel settled in my mind. Things that don’t fit with my model of how they should have gone. And I spend mental energy thinking back through how things went. What was going on there? What if I did something differently?

I’m sure this applies to most of us.

Now on one hand - you could see these thoughts as intrusive thoughts. Recurring thoughts that get you nowhere. Focusing on the past and spinning your wheels on something you have no control over anymore.

On the other hand - we are learning machines! Humans are wired to recognize patterns and learn from them. We are likely to be faced with similar situations in the future, and having clarity around lessons learned from these past situations could shed light on how we would want to act in similar situations in the future. Of course we want to learn from our mistakes!

So returning to these unresolved issues could be seen as just a part of how we learn and grow over time. Maybe some new experience or understanding will help us finally close the loop on that unresolved issue.

And yet in an era when we are constantly encouraged to “live in the present” and “be here now” how can we balance learning from the past while not being bogged down by it?

A few of the things that I imagine would go into calibrating that balance:

- Is the thinking “productive?” in other words - is it illuminating some different way to act in the future? Or is it “destructive” - focusing on what you didn’t do in the past?

- Is that negative voice in your head using this example as evidence for how terrible you are? Is it fitting into a larger thought pattern that may not be serving you?

- Are you actually reflecting on something that was totally out of your control or driven by chance? What can you learn from that specific incident beyond understanding your response to randomness?

That said, I’m mostly writing this because I don’t have a great answer to this. I’d love to hear yours.  Where do you draw the line between helpful and unhelpful when it comes to looking backwards?